“I’ll do my best to be as helpful as possible, even if it means swearing.”
It was revealed that former Scottish Prime Minister Nicola Sturgeon had called former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson a “fucking clown.”
A weekly dispatch taking aim at the relentless absurdity of the 24-hour news cycle.
The International Court of Justice rejected calls for a ceasefire in Gaza, but demanded that Israel punish public incitements to commit genocide, preserve evidence related to allegations of genocide, and improve humanitarian aid to Gazans; the court concluded that “some of the acts” South Africa accused Israel of committing “appear to be capable of falling within the provisions of the [Genocide] Convention.”1 2 Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the ruling “outrageous” and pledged that Israel would continue fighting a “just war like no other,” while Israel’s national security minister, Itamar Ben-Gvir, posted “Hague shmague” on X.3 4 The U.S. State Department said it “continue[d] to believe” that allegations of genocide were “unfounded.”5 Alongside several members of the Israeli cabinet, Ben-Gvir participated in a conference that called for the Israeli resettlement of Gaza and said he backed a “voluntary migration” of Palestinians.6 When asked about the conference the day before, Netanyahu said participants were “entitled to their opinions.”7 The United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Australia, among other countries, paused funding to the United Nations Relief and Work Agency, which provides humanitarian aid to Gazans, after Israel alleged that 12 UNRWA staff members participated in the October 7 attack.8 Three American troops were killed in a drone attack at a U.S. base in Jordan; U.S. President Joe Biden said that the strike was carried out by an Iran-backed militant group and that the United States “shall respond.”9 Eight Columbia University students were hospitalized after they were sprayed with a foul-smelling substance they believe was “skunk,” a chemical reportedly used by Israeli police in the West Bank, at a pro-Palestine protest on the university’s campus.10 11 12 13
India’s prime minister, Narendra Modi, inaugurated a Hindu temple on the site of a destroyed mosque, and Pakistan said India carried out assassinations on its soil.14 15 Houthi militants attacked a tanker owned by a multinational trading corporation in the Gulf of Aden, resulting in a blaze that lasted several hours.16 A man in Japan was sentenced to death for starting a fire at an anime studio that killed 36 people, a man in South Africa admitted to setting a fire that killed 77 people in Johannesburg in order to cover up a murder, and a man in Quebec who had accused the Canadian government of setting wildfires pleaded guilty to setting 14 fires himself.17 18 19 In Shetland, for the first time, girls led the Up Helly Aa fire festival, in which participants don Viking dress and lob torches at longships, and women in Japan took part in a naked festival for the first time since the event’s inception.20 21 The president of the Philippines used a taxpayer-funded helicopter to fly to a Coldplay concert.22 At a speech in South Carolina, President Joe Biden called Donald Trump “the sitting president” and “a loser.”23 Trump won the New Hampshire primary, which saw a record turnout with more than 320,000 showing up to cast a ballot.24 25 When asked whether he would vote in the special election to fill his vacant seat, former Representative George Santos said, “I’m not voting! I’m not interested!”26
“Fuck yeah!” said a chatbot for a European parcel delivery service, “I’ll do my best to be as helpful as possible, even if it means swearing.”27 “It’s not my fault if they actually [say] a little bit of effing and jeffing,” said the CEO of a zoo where parrots have been cursing.28 It was announced that a binturong, a South Asian bearcat that emits an aroma similar to buttered popcorn from its anal glands, had escaped its enclosure in Devon, England.29 30 “I looked out the window and there he was, proud as punch, standing against the fence eating nuts,” said a resident of Kingussie, Scotland, where a macaque monkey escaped.31 A woman in Thailand was arrested for taking her pet lion on a joyride, and a woman in Michigan was arrested for stealing a horse and buggy from an Amish family.32 33 “You can give me 100 years and I’d do it all over again,” said a Proud Boy who was sentenced to six years in prison for participating in the January 6, 2021 Capitol riot, and it was reported that, during the riot, Representative Nancy Mace had announced her intention to “get punched in the face.”34 35 It was revealed that former Scottish Prime Minister Nicola Sturgeon had called former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson a “fucking clown” in a text message, and a man wearing a clown mask robbed a store in Brisbane, Australia.36 37 A thief stole seven king cakes from a bakery in New Orleans, and it was reported that King Charles III is “doing well” after receiving treatment for an enlarged prostate.38 39 —Megan Evershed
Soooo, how do I make this all fit to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire?