“It was a very fun minute.”
“Congratulations world, it’s time for peace!” the U.S. president posted online before announcing a ceasefire between Israel and Iran.
A weekly dispatch taking aim at the relentless absurdity of the 24-hour news cycle.
“Congratulations world, it’s time for peace!” the U.S. president posted online before announcing a ceasefire between Israel and Iran.1 2 After the conclusion of the so-called twelve-day war, the Iranian prime minister congratulated his country on a “historic victory” over Israel, and the Israeli prime minister declared a “historic victory” over Iran.3 4 Following the implementation of the truce, it was reported that Iran launched missiles into Israeli airspace and that Israel returned fire in exchange; later, the U.S. president told reporters that the two countries “don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.”5 6 7 A leaked Defense Intelligence Agency assessment claimed that the U.S. strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities had set Iran’s nuclear program back by only a few months, the White House characterized that intelligence as “flat out wrong” and a television host said that he thought that “nuclear weapons are a lie.”8 9 The U.S. president said that he “suspects” his administration will find and prosecute the people who leaked the report, and threatened to sue news outlets for covering the report’s findings; the U.S. defense secretary said it was in the press’s “blood” and “DNA” to “cheer against Trump,” the White House indicated that it would now limit its intelligence sharing with Congress, and a page from a restricted U.S. military manual was uploaded to the combat the video game War Thunder’s official forum.10 11 12 13 The head of the Republican Party in Tarrant County, Texas, posted an online poll asking whether Muslims or Jews posed a “bigger threat” to the United States; a Tennessee congressman called for the deportation of the winner of the Democratic mayoral primary in New York, who is Muslim, and referred to him as “little Muhammad”; a South Carolina congresswoman posted a photograph of the mayoral candidate with a caption claiming Americans had “forgotten” 9/11; and a member of India’s parliament claimed that the candidate “sounds more Pakistani than Indian,” and wondered what happened to his Hindu “bloodline.”14 15 16 “On a different note,” wrote the MP, “congratulations to the parents.”17
It was reported that a Russian chess grand master connected the co-founder of the financial services firm Jane Street, the former employer of cryptocurrency fraudster Sam Bankman-Fried, to a duo that proceeded to defraud the financier out of $7 million in order to buy AK-47s, missiles, and grenades for a planned coup in South Sudan.18 Serbian authorities detained six people, one of whom was in possession of a crossbow and another of whom is believed to be a Russian agent, for plotting to overthrow the government; Armenian clergymen jostled with security forces outside a church headquarters before an archbishop was arrested for allegedly plotting a coup; and the Armenian prime minister offered to show his penis to the head of the national church after a priest accused him of having been circumcised.19 20 21 During an Ohio Republican Party event, the U.S. vice president said that “pink-haired people” flip him the bird when they see him in Washington, D.C., and then gave the crowd the middle finger; a Scottish politician pushed for a nationwide seagull summit to address recent attacks by the birds; and a group of men were arrested for stealing a swan in Queens, New York.22 23 24
A white actress sued the San Diego County Library for not letting her play black characters in her one-woman show; the CEO of the public agency that manages the Golden Gate Bridge wrote a memo suggesting that the agency rescind its statements condemning racism so that it doesn’t lose federal funding; a retired U.S. Army captain launched a tip hotline for Department of Defense employees to report “woke” overreach; and it was reported that an employee called, among other things, “Big Balls” had resigned from the Department of Government Efficiency.25 26 27 28 In Tuscaloosa, Alabama, a man wearing a Scooby-Doo costume robbed a convenience store; in Portland, Oregon, a man called Loony Toon led police on a high-speed chase; and in Silver Creek, Minnesota, a man called Patches Magickbeans crashed his van through a construction site while allegedly on hallucinogenic mushrooms.29 30 31 “It was a very fun minute,” said a Norwegian resident whose winning lottery ticket was one of thousands incorrectly multiplied by 100.32 —Megan Evershed
You just can’t make this shit up!