“The rights we confer on others define who we are as a society.”
The U.S. president, who has posted to Truth Social more than 2,000 times since taking office, lamented that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize “no matter what I do.”
A weekly dispatch taking aim at the relentless absurdity of the 24-hour news cycle.
The United States struck three Iranian nuclear facilities with Tomahawk missiles launched from a U.S. Navy submarine and with the payload of seven B-2 bombers that flew in a 37-hour round trip from Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri, the longest B-2 bomber flight since American attacks on Afghanistan in 2001, in order to drop 30,000-pound GBU-57 bombs on the nuclear sites, marking the first use of the so-called bunker buster bombs in combat.1 2 3 4 On the same day, B-2 bombers were sent to Guam as a decoy.5 The U.S. president claimed that the attacks “completely and totally obliterated” Iran’s nuclear sites; senior officials in the Trump Administration admitted that what became of Iran’s near-bomb-grade uranium was still unclear; the United Nations nuclear chief stated that the strikes inflicted “very significant” damage; and a professor who studies Iran’s nuclear facilities stated that “there are some really important things that haven’t been hit.”6 7 8 9 The defense secretary claimed that America “does not seek war,” the American vice president said that “this is not going to be some long, drawn out thing,” and the secretary of state stated that whether U.S. intelligence could prove Iran was building a nuclear weapon is “irrelevant.”10 11 12 Photographs published on a White House social media account showed the president, vice president, and the two secretaries in the Situation Room; reportedly present in the room, but absent from the photographs, was the director of national intelligence, who once sold on her website shirts that read NO WAR WITH IRAN and, in March, testified to Congress that Iran is not building a nuclear weapon, though who has lately said that Iran could produce a nuclear weapon “within weeks.”13 14 15 16 17 Iran launched a strike at a U.S. military base in Qatar; an Iranian missile struck an Israeli hospital; Israel bombed Iran’s state-news station during a live broadcast; Palestinians were locked out of bomb shelters in Israel; and digital billboards in Tel Aviv that earlier in the week had read MR. PRESIDENT, FINISH THE JOB!, now read THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT!18 19 20 21 22 23 The U.S. president authorized the strikes without congressional approval; in an effort to curb the president’s ability to escalate conflict without said approval, members of Congress introduced the War Powers Resolution and the No War Against Iran Act; and the Iranian Parliament approved a measure to close the Strait of Hormuz, part of a crucial shipping route for oil and gas trade.24 25 26 27 The U.S. president, who has posted to Truth Social more than 2,000 times since taking office, lamented that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize “no matter what I do.”28 29 “The difference is that back then,” said his vice president in response to public concern regarding the past 25 years of American involvement in the Middle East, “we had dumb presidents.”30
The political prisoner Mahmoud Khalil returned to his family in New York City after being held for 104 days in an Immigration and Customs Enforcement detention center in Louisiana.31 32 A New York City mayoral candidate was arrested by federal agents at an immigration court after attempting to escort a migrant out of the building whom the agents were set to detain; the governor of New York, among other Democrats, descended upon the city to demand his release, whereupon ICE agents were reported to have said, “The governor’s here, we’ll let you go.”33 34 35 The Los Angeles Dodgers pledged to donate $1 million dollars to immigrant families “impacted by recent events” after ICE agents allegedly attempted to access the Dodger Stadium parking lots, and the Oklahoma City Thunder won the 2025 NBA championship.36 37 38 “I told them, ‘Oh, guys, let’s ride out the storm,’ which in hindsight might not have been the best idea,” said a 15-year-old boy who was struck by lightning in Central Park.39 A measure was introduced to the U.S. Senate to allow the sale of more than 250 million acres of public land to private groups or local and state governments as part of an executive budget bill.40 “Am I allowed to appoint myself at the Fed?” asked the president, after calling for interest-rate reductions.41 42 “I’d do a much better job than these people.” A former U.S. Army sergeant pleaded guilty to violating the Espionage Act for attempting to pass American defense information to the Chinese government, after evidence found that he had Googled “can you be extradited for treason” and prepared a document titled “Important Information to Share with Chinese Government.”43 44 A tech startup that promises to help users “cheat on everything” raised $15 million in a funding round, Mark Zuckerberg offered $100 million signing bonuses to poach talented AI programmers, and an MIT study found that the use of ChatGPT may harm one’s critical thinking.45 46 47
Fifteen sets of twins graduated from a single class at a New York high school; the sixteen-time champion of Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest Joey Chestnut announced his return to the competition after a one-year hiatus; and a man in Redlands, California, admitted to killing his neighbors at a nudist resort in a dispute over a hot dog.48 49 50 “The hot dog was a jab at him, making him feel like he was worth only a dollar hot dog, and that’s what set him off that day,” said a Redlands police detective.51 The 28th annual Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge surfing competition was hosted in Huntington Beach, California; and a Brooklyn judge ruled that pets can be considered family members.52 53 “The rights we confer on others,” said a judge cited in an amicus curiae for the case, “define who we are as a society.”54 —Chloe Arnold
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